The older I become

 My son told me tonight that I have a negative outlook on everything. He says I only noticed the negative and that's what I tend to comment on. Truth?

I used to be like most other people and was so busy with life that I didn't notice what was really going on. Once your eyes have been opened it's hard to close them and be blind again. I'm watching the world spiral down. Sometimes I say things to people and then find out later that these very things I say are spoken in the Bible. I believe in Jesus with all my heart but the truth is I've never read the Bible I only speak on the things I feel and know and I can't tell you how I know them. We are all at present time in a very sad State of affairs. This situation is something we seem to have no control over. ... Or so we think. If the citizens of the entire world would grow some backbone all band together and stand up against the tyrants who are running these different countries all over the world we would all live a lot better. Why do we struggle and suffer while they sit on a throne when they're nothing different than we are? We are all here to have The human experience we are All souls in organic bodies that one day will perish yet our souls will live on our ball of energy souls that is what we are. We will get to look back and see the effect that we had on all of those around us and on the entire world. This is what is known as the Life review. Why do we have to wait and go through our life review before we realize what the hell is going on and what we're doing to this world. Why can't we wake up now and make changes now and make this a wonderful place for generations to come instead of being at each other's throats in a fight for power and glory and riches. One must we think that we're better than the person next to us because we have more than they have? People don't seem to realize or understand that this is the test this is why we are here to see how we handle this situation and if we take our neighbor by the hand and help them along the way when they need it or if we turn our back on them just what kind of souls are we anyway? We can change everything all of us together.

This is why I only see the negative because no one out there will get up off their ass and try to do anything about the situation going on all around the world. Not just one individual but all of us as a collective we can make all the necessary changes. 

I don't see that happening or even beginning to happen. What I see is the words that are supposedly in the Bible so I've been told are seemingly coming true. The prospects of going home or looking better and better because after all none of us are from here anyway. This was all a test you didn't know that did you and you'll be tested again after you get home eventually you'll get sent back here I don't know who you'll be the next time you come but you won't be who you are now sure you'll have the same soul but you'll be a completely different person in a completely different body and you won't remember anything that you did in your last lifetime but you will carry over some of the characteristics of the person that you were this time around you will take that into the next life with you. I always have something to say about fat people I don't understand why they stuck their faces and get like that and then wear tight clothing so you can count their fat rolls how embarrassing. So now you watch when I come back in my next life I'll be a fat person. Hopefully the part of me that I carry over into my next life will be smart enough to go on a diet and lose that weight and not be fat. 

I didn't have an easy life if you've read any of my other posts I don't even remember some of the things that I told everyone about in those posts I don't even know who everyone is or if anyone reads this stuff. I was an extremely abused child so it's hard for me to see the positive in things however before I was enlightened and started paying attention to what was going on around me I was a loof like everyone else I was a young girl foot loose and fancy free traveling around running from my problems running from myself running from my family I was just running. Part of me is glad that I did that because I had a lot of experiences and met a lot of very interesting people including Hollywood movie stars that part was cool but they're no different than you and I all the only difference is that they have a lot of money the places that they sleep are more expensive beds than ours you know and the only one that puts a value on that stuff is us that doesn't mean that it really is more valuable something is only as valuable as the value you put into it. I'm not really a negative person my heart is full of love I'm just someone that's waiting for the positive to start happening I need to see something substantial and I'm not seeing it yet and as the years go on things seem to keep going even more downhill I'm very concerned. If I can't make any kind of change or make any kind of difference in this lifetime while I'm here I'll see if I can't make a difference when I leave my body. I seem to have a lot of knowledge on such matters so if anyone out there ever wants to know anything all you have to do is ask me and I'll tell you the best that I can.

The Truest Words Ever Spoken

 When you get what you want in your struggle for self and the world makes you King for a Day, go to a mirror and look at yourself and see what the man has to say. 

For it isn't your father or mother or wife whose judgment upon you must pass but the person who's verdict counts most in your life is the one looking back from the glass

Some people might think your a straight shooting Chum and call you a wonderful guy but the man in the glass says you're only a bum if you can't look him straight in the eye

He's the one to please never mind all the rest for he's with you clear up to the end and you've passed your most dangerous difficult test if the man in the glass is your friend.

You may get what you want down the pathway of years and get pats on the back as you pass but your final reward will be heartache and tears if you cheated the man in the glass.

Author unknown

Kidnapped at 14 yrs old.

  There's nothing like a little reinforcement of past damages. When I was 14 years old I ran away from Florida and went back to North Carolina where we had just previously moved from. I did that because I had a boyfriend there and I wanted to see him very badly I thought I was in love. 

   While I was there a fair had come to town. I went to that fair and I was having a great time. I came upon the gypsy woman who was set up I don't remember exactly what she was selling at the fair. I enjoyed the conversation I was mystified by the things I saw. She asked me to come inside her small travel trailer she had something she wanted to show me. I entered and upon entering the door slammed behind me I turned around quickly to see a very large Gypsy man standing in front of the door blocking it. They sat me in a chair straight across from the front door. The man had to be at least 400 lbs. Key seated himself directly in front of the door. There were two old gypsy women there in the travel trailer One being the old woman who ushered me inside to show me something she was the aunt or grandmother of the very large gypsy man. I was being kidnapped by gypsies! I was to be the bride of the big fat gypsy man.

   I sat awake in that chair for 2 days waiting to escape. I had to gain the trust of the old gypsy woman and make her think I didn't want to leave. Eventually the big fat gypsy man moved from the front of the door to do something either used the restroom or step outside I don't remember. 

   I took my shot and I bolted for that front door. I ran as fast as I could all the way back to my neighborhood in town. My friends were all outside at the time and wanted to know what happened to me where did I go because I just disappeared they asked me where have I been so I told them what happened to me.

   They decided to go after the gypsies so we all ran back to that fair ran up to the gypsies where they were parked and just as we got there they were pulling out of the fair. They packed immediately after my escape and hurry to get away before the police came after them but I didn't tell the police I went and got my friends.

   Had I not escaped that day there is no telling where I would be today I am guessing I would probably be in Romania or somewhere of that nature in Europe.

Family

Sometimes it's hard when the holidays come around. Okay every year is hard. I don't really have much in the way of family there are a lot of people I am related to but family are those who are in your life. I'm pretty much a loner and that wasn't really my choice that's how it was laid out for me. As much as I hate to admit this I don't really have friends either. I stepped outside of the box a long long time ago and started looking in I didn't like what I saw. 

My sons tell me I need to get with the times but as I stand back and I look at the changes I don't think that's something I really want to get with we have people out here with purple hair piercings all over their face wearing shirts that talk about killing people and such and it gets much worse the clothes the girls are wearing they look like they're strippers walking the streets I mean I don't know what else to call it. My son's girlfriend is in the house right now wearing a skimpy shirt that goes just below her boobs for stretched out stomach is all sticking out and she's got real shorts on over a big bubble butt okay... Did I mention that she's 30 years old and a mother and my son is in the middle of a custody battle for his child right now... This female also has a problem child that beats up on my grandson he's choked and he's hit him with hard heavy toys and made the kid cry so hard he couldn't breathe. My son tells me he's almost broke now yet he keeps buying this girl and her son dinner out every night fast food carry out s*** which is really expensive and now he's almost out of money so I believe he's down to his last $500 and his savings and when that is gone she too will be gone I can't get him to listen to me I tried to tell him what's going on he's being used and instead he turns on me cuz she has decided she doesn't like me because I'm telling him what I'm seeing the girl comes over here bringing her kid everybody's eating of course I'm not even eating but the next day I'm expected to clean up all their messes and she just gets up and leaves her messes and her kids messes all behind she's The rudest girl I've ever known with absolutely no manners what so ever.

 The generation after mine they seem to be very disrespectful and they think they're entitled to everything and they expect to sit back and have everything served to them on a platter I never had it that way and I'm sure some of the people reading this never had it that way either I can't believe the way these kids nowadays treat their parents they tell them to shut up they tell them that the parents need to listen to them when did it become like that that the parent is supposed to listen to what the child says I'd say there's something real wrong with that. Well guess what Mommy's going to take them to school!!!! I left out the park about having a temper like my grandfather! Parent abuse is very real but when I'm done they'll be bent over and I'll be driving!!!

I miss my grandparents that s*** wouldn't fly in their house and my grandmother was an angel my grandfather a man you didn't want to mess with. I had a pretty strict upbringing it was strict at my grandparents house but it was normal restriction. at home with my mother was a completely different story. As I'm sure I've said in past writing  I was a severely abused child pushed down stairs knives thrown at me my head cracked open twice I had to go to the hospital while so many things I remember having to stand in the middle of the living room floor as my mother sick to her dog on me to rip my clothes off of me and she would say if I didn't move the dog wouldn't get my skin then I would go to school with dog teeth marks all down the front of my stomach the top of my legs and whatever I was wearing was definitely shredded I remember that dog well. I ended up putting a body harness on that dog and taking that dog out to the back porch to the third story apartment building hooking the leash up putting that dog over the railing and swinging that dog back and forth to torture him for all the times he bit me that dog ended up having a nervous breakdown and had to be returned to the woman that my mother got it from so in turn that whole thing was my mother's doing. How's that for mother's love? 

It's easy to be alone when you lack trust in others. People like me don't want to be untrusting we want to welcome friends and family and love into our lives let me cause of how we were done for so long by people that were supposed to care about us inside we feel we can't trust anyone. We're alone here.

I believe in reincarnation I know for a fact that it is true truthfully all kidding aside I'm waiting to go home I'm not sure what my lesson was supposed to be this time around I learned not to trust I learned that the people that are supposed to love you don't and I learned people are very cruel and they're out to take her get from you whatever they can and it's the strangeest thing that it doesn't seem to matter where you go it's all around I wish it was the 80s again when things were better this is a very bad world we're in now and I'm so worried for my grandchildren their innocent little kids they don't have a clue I'm very scared for them but I do know that to a certain extent we can watch over our loved ones here after we leave our bodies that being said I plan to be watching overall with my grandchildren and once I'm satisfied that everything is okay only then will I go towards that light I also have to warn the people that have changed my life and ruined my family well I'll be seeing you too...that excites me. People made me feel extreme mental pain and anguish for long periods of time...I will repay with fear!

Think what you want about me but you have no business judging me until you've walked in my shoes.

The Old womans story....

I found the man the old woman was talking about. I couldn't believe it turned out to be who it is. His name? Steve Ostrander. He is a part time actor on low budget films. We spent the most wonderful time at a beautiful hotel on Tampa Bay in April of 2017. He then went home and told his family he has found THE ONE! We used to see each other 38 years ago. I left without saying good bye to him. I will explain later on. I had my reasons and they were good I thought. Anyway....He had a nice diamond ring sent to me as a birthday present the very day after he left Tampa. Hand delivered to my door!...almost a quarter ct stone in the center Marquise cut surrounded by smaller diamonds. Very nice...IMPRESSIVE HUH?
We spoke on the phone several times a day at first then settled on mornings and evenings to discuss how our day went. Coffee in the morning together via cell phone and romantic convo at night I like to call verbal tuck in time. By the first week of may...he called me one night and I could tell he had been drinking...he told me how horney he was. It scared the hell out of me to hear that because we are over 1000 apart right now. When I asked him if he planned on doing something about it he said he was horny for me........
Since then, he doesn't call me much and the calls are short, generic in convo, no romance, no sweet talk at all,andI have watched us end over these past 3 1/2 months not being able to stop it. I went there in June....he treated me alot different than before. He has never kissed me the way you kiss a woman. He kisses me like mommy. I am not a woman to him. I can clearly see I am being cheated on. there is alot more to tell but I'm tired now....

Never a mention of my name...

http://www.recordonline.com/article/20161008/OBITUARIES/310089996

Heres something refreshing...but not...

A man is interested in me...he wants to see recent photos and needs someone to take care of his son while he is gone. Handsome guy, nice build...did I mention when he is gone..it will be to prison?...!!!

He says I can work with him until he goes...oh yeah...and he wants lots of sex...oh wow...someone hold me back...I can't contain myself...

......see what I mean....is that the only value placed in me?