All Alone

It's strange to sit here knowing I have siblings, Dena, Eddie, and Cindy...yet I don't see any of them here in my life. Having been a loner all these years I came to a point where I knew I wanted my family but unfortunately they never wanted me. I seem to be the odd gal out....Jack n Diann had Cindy, My dad Dean n my mom had me, and My dad and some other woman Mary had Dena and Eddie..Cindy had her dad, Eddie and Dena had my dad...and I had NO DAD!

I can't explain that sense of knowing I have lived with my entire life....something wasn't right at all. You KNOW there's something wrong when you see a small child get shoved around, yelled at and mistreated all the time while the other children do not. That child wears hand me downs as the others have the latest styles on the market, and that child always stays to their self walking around with their nose to the ground.

I didn't get the same things my siblings did...I never asked anyone for anything because I knew I would be told NO. I didn't want to feel the emotional pain of knowing I was thought of as less than the other lil girl in the home...Cindy.

I wish I knew how to get rid of these feelings but they have followed me through the years. Yeah, I still cry...like even right now as I type this. I know I don't belong here. I'm telling you if you passed me on the streets you would never know it's me. You would look at me and never figure me for the one writing this, the lonely one.

I'm actually considered very attractive in the public eye and I look like I could have any man I want...Hollywood wanted me when I was 18!!! PLAYBOY too!!! I RAN! OMG!, could you imagine what may have happened to me if I had gone that route?...Both good and bad...

It's too late for me to ever have what I wanted out of this life. Now, I just wait to leave here but I enjoy my grandson while I can as he is all I have. I also have 2 other grandchildren but will never get to see them...another stab and twist of the knife in my heart.

I don't understand why god let me survive my premature birth

I'm seriously damaged goods!

Heres the thing...I don't say this for pity, I say this because that is home and this place isn't. I know many things the average person doesn't. With all thats been taken from me one thing was given to me...yeah...I'm "special"...just not the way I wish I was....being loved.

I was given a gift most don't get yet I've always wanted what most others have, a family, love, and a sense of belonging.

I wish my sisters and brother knew how much I want them in my life. My sons and grand children will never know the love of family except for my love for them. I am all they have for family. When I die they are here all alone with no one...no Aunts and Uncles, no cousins...nobody at all.
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Dear God,
Please ...it doesn't matter about me but please don't let my sons and grandson be here on this earth with no family and no one to love them.
Please...show your love to my children so they may come to love you as I do. Show them you are real as you and your father did me.

Wake this world so they can see we aren't here for riches and power but LOVE, and show them the test you put us all through so they will understand this isn't home.

These things I ask of you not for myself and in Jesus' name I pray

AMEN

I think my problem is that I'm having a hard time accepting my life has been bullshit and a bunch of lies while being manipulated at the hands of others ..and most of these people have already departed this earth...I"M PISSED! I want them to FACE ME! Yes, I'm a confrontational woman and I don't care! You fuck me...you need to answer for it.
 Heres something fun...because I harbor these feelings that cannot be swept away my half sister..the only one I've ever known tells her kids I'm crazy...lol...wtf?...she was there living "the dream" too but was the one who was treated good....but thats not the point...lol...I'm "crazy" yet she continues to make children with the pedifile who "got" (don't wanna use that R word) her own little girl at age 12!!! My sister went on to have more kids with him! ...but...I"M CRAZY!!!! She isn't there for that daughter..shes there for HIS kids..that daughter was his step daughter. I'll take her. All I had was boys and I always wanted a girl. Shes grown now with kids of her own and hurting badly and needs mom...I want to be mom. She calls me ...late at night...and cries. Shes like me...city but able to adapt just about anywhere...dresses nice like me, speaks proper english at the right times, refined ect...my sister...her mother...has come to be kinda "down home" like that buzzard family she married into...this young lady and I are cut from the same type of fabric whereas her mother is cotton, she is silk but I failed to mention that cotton has alot of wear holes in it and we take care of our silk to keep it nice.

ok so...this crazy person is going to sleep now....lol...good night!



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